I suppose the main reason zombies don’t date is because they don’t fuck.

Dead dicks don’t fuck and neither do dried-up pussies. That’s just one of the facts of life. Zombies don’t fuck so zombies don’t date.

Whether you’re male of female, we’re all just trying to get laid. Sure, some people want to throw emotions and commitment into the exchange, but sex is what drives us all. Except for zombies. Hunger for human flesh drives zombies.

There are other reasons zombies can’t hack the dating scene. Take note, because there are a lot of non-zombies out there dating who act like zombies. And just like zombies, they’re not getting laid either.

Poor Conversation Skills

Zombies don’t talk so well anymore. Once you’re dead and rigamortis sets in, your lips and jaw tighten up and then conversation mostly consists of some grunts and groans. Kind of like those dates with people who are alive but only respond with Uh-huhs and Mm-huhs and don’t really initiate dialogue. These dates aren’t dead, but after a while you do want to kill them.

Picky Eaters

Try having dinner with a zombie at a nice restaurant. Picky sons-of-bitches. Typically, you’re not going to find internal organs on the menu, let alone, human internal organs. Try some veal. That shit’s delicious. You might find some cow tongue that you can tell the chef to cook rare. Nope, not good enough. A zombie would rather eat the fucking chef.

It’s just like the Earthy, flip-flops-on-the-first-date-vegan who can’t eat a goddamn thing on the menu. If you’re that difficult when it comes to eating, how difficult are you going to be in other aspects of your life? More importantly, how difficult is it going to be to get into your pants? Good luck getting a second date.

Poor Personal Grooming

Do you think anyone wants to be seen in public with someone who’s missing teeth, or worse, half of their jaw? Or someone who hasn’t changed their bloody shirt in 10 days? Zombies are the worst when it comes to fashion. Sure, everyone should cultivate their own style, but no style is not a style.

Clean up a little before you go out. Brush those teeth (the ones you have left), take a breath mint. Wear something that shows you give a shit and actually do want to get laid, zombie or not.

Oblivious to Seduction

Sometimes there’s nothing worse than someone who ignores your advances. And zombies really suck in this area. Again, the point of this date is to eventually fuck. Whether it’s that night or down the road, the least you can do is give the other person a show of good faith.

It’s one thing if you don’t like your date. It’s another if you do, but you want to take it a little slower. Fine, but make sure you let the other person know you want to fuck them, and you will fuck them, it just might not tonight.

You think a zombie ever gives you the slightest indication you’ll be getting some? No fucking way. They just stare at you with that dopey look on their faces like they’ve never heard of fucking before. Unless you died a virgin, you know what sex is like. So don’t act like you don’t know where this is headed. Otherwise, it appears like you don’t have interest and again, good luck getting a second date.

Conclusion

As mentioned before in a previous post, meeting online makes it easier for people to flirt and be more open sexually than if they meet for the first time face-to-face. Just don’t suddenly become a zombie when you do finally meet face-to-face. The reason the person wants to go out with you is because of the way you behaved online. Be the same in person; be bold. And don’t use the old bait and switch on them or you most likely won’t get a second chance.