This one is for the guys.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, there are no ugly people. There are just people you’re not attracted to. Everyone has their own taste. You know, like at work when you find out someone you think belongs in a circus act is actually married. Someone found that person attractive. Or your buddy likes them thick and you like them anorexic. It’s a matter of personal taste.

So when do you compromise your standards?

You’re in a bar, you’re there to get laid, and there’s only one women in the whole place who meets your qualifications. Unfortunately, that woman meets everyone’s qualifications and she’s surrounded by a throng of men, none of whom will go home with her that night. And neither will you, because you can’t even breech the wall of sausage that surrounds her.

But you’re really horny and it’s a fuck or fight night, so what do you do?

Go ugly early.

You could just drink more, wait around and see if talent improves. Then at the end of the night when nothing has changed and you’re drunk, you could start some shit with some guy who accidentally bumped into you, get your face smashed in and go to jail. Or you could just call it a night, go home and whack it. Or… You could accept the inevitable from the get-go, compromise your standards and go for the homely girl at the bar who isn’t getting any attention from other guys.

Here, have another drink.

I mean, she has a nice ass. Glasses aren’t so bad, in a sexy librarian sort of way. She may just be the next best thing in the bar, and when time grows short at the end of the night, the failed sausage around the hot one might start congregating around her.

Go ugly early.

This is different than hooking it up with beer goggles. You already know what you’re getting into because you haven’t had that much to drink yet. But like beer googles, the more you drink and talk to her, the less you think you’re compromising your standards.

So once you do hook it up, make sure you have a good exit strategy. But don’t be a cliche. Like you’ve got to work early (on a Sunday, no less) or you’ve got to get home to feed your Shih Tzu. At least have the decency of telling her a creative lie. I mean, she did you a favor, right?

Try one of these instead:

• You’re a photographer and you have to catch some shots of pansies and johnny-jump-ups which bloom brightest early morning. This will be your last chance because Horticulture Quarterly goes to press on Monday.
• You’re jumping on a plane to fly to Nicaragua to help PETA build a damn for beavers who shouldn’t be expected to do all the work.
• You promised Spencer and Heidi you’d go to church with them to hear the special sermon on how to be a celebrity, but still love God more than your celebrity.

Sometimes you just have to go ugly early. Take a look around, evaluate your options and make a decision. Don’t put off the inevitable. Nothing worse than trying to go ugly late and failing.