Posts Tagged Seduction
Get Your Zodiac on for Spring
Spring is the cyclical rebirth of nature and your astrological sign will determine whether your own rebirth this spring involves hot new sexual adventures or another underwhelming dry spell. According to Zodiac Mythology. Well, my version anyway. I’m just trying to prepare you for the inevitable, so here’s what you can expect:
Aries
This spring, Venus is going to drive you nuts and literally try to kill you. Possibly with a golf club. Remember, it’s a time for rebirth. Get rid of that excess baggage that’s been dragging you down and get some strange. If you don’t, you’re looking a very long and arduous Spring. Expect to be dead by Summer.
Taurus
For God sake, get a new wardrobe. How long have you had that pair of Wrangler jeans? 3, 4 years? Stop being so practical and get your ass to the mall. You want to get laid this Spring, you’re going to have to brand up. Don’t argue with me, I’m a Taurus too. Which is why I’m predicting this sign will get laid over and over this Spring.
Gemini
Spring awakens in you a slow desire for romance… Squelch that desire immediately. WTF are you thinking? Why do you think your relationships suck so badly? You’re a bi-polar, mental, game-playing, financially irresponsible freak of nature. But you’re really fun in the sack, so use that to your advantage and fuck the romance.
Cancer
Fuck Cancer.
Leo
You might just be too vain, pretentious and melodramatic to get laid this Spring. This only works if you’re actually famous. If not, you’re just a Douche. But if you pretend you just got on a new reality show because you’re just that douchey, you may get a lot of pre-celeb status sex out of it. Give it a shot; what do you have to lose?
Virgo
Don’t be so fucking fussy. And don’t be picky. Go ugly early. It’s you’re only hope.
Scorpio
You’re too shy to get laid. Find a hooker.
Sagittarius
I recommend speed dating for you. With your independence and lack of emotion, you could really clean up. Don’t listen to the people who say that you have a problem because you can’t commit. I mean, you do have a problem, but it’s not going to change, so don’t fight it. Explore new ethnicities if you haven’t already. Some races are just born to be freaky in bed. Go get ‘em Magellen.
Capricorn
I was in a relationship with a Capricorn once. Let’s call her, “Hitler”. Dictatorial yet extremely inhibited. She used to inspire thoughts of suicide and mayhem in me; I also wanted to murder her–and I could have–one snap of that tiny little neck of hers… But where to put the body…? I digress. Capricorn, you’re shit out of luck.
Aquarius
Stop being a humanitarian for just one Spring. It ain’t gonna kill you and you’ll get laid a lot more. Trust me, the planet and people will still be when you come back to it. You’re witty and clever, but there’s nothing worse than a sarcastic do-gooder. Drop the goodwill and just be an ass. It’ll work for you. Trust me on this.
Pisces
You’re a couple of fish; oversensitive and self-pitying. I got nothin’.
5 Effective Phrases to Use in Your Adult Personal Ads
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Featured article, Latest, Mobile dating, PhoneShag on March 8, 2010
Online adult dating has now become one of the primary methods of hooking up. And one of the critical components of online dating success is having an effective personal ad that will
draw people in to make that connection. Below are some sample phrases that will help make your personal ads stand out so that you get more attention and ultimately, more hook-ups. Sure, there are phrases like “No strings attached” and “Feel free to ask me anything” that people tout as being effective because of upfront honesty and bluntness, but they certainly won’t make you stand out.
1. Will trade sex for beer
This immediately lets people know that you’re a whore, regardless of gender. Some people only fuck after they’ve had a few beers. But not you. You’ll fuck to get beer, then fuck again after you’ve tossed back a few. And you’re not exactly prostituting yourself, because you’re not exchanging sex for money, only beer. I’m no lawyer, but if I were, I’d advise you that no law has been broken under these circumstances.
The reason this is such an effective phrase is because nobody really wants to work that hard to get laid. Beer = sex. That’s a pretty straight forward calculation. You’ll be amazed by the attention you get from this simple but powerful phrase.
2. Low self-esteem
This works best for women. Men are always looking for women with low self-esteem because sex tends to promote self worth in that kind of woman, as perverse as that sounds, so it’s easier to get them into bed. You may even want to throw in bi-polar, manic depressive, and/or suicidal. Whether true or myth, psychotic women are the best in bed. You can say you’re great in bed all you want, but there’s no better way to convince a guy of it than making him believe you’re a psychotic bitch. Guys are drawn to psychotic bitches like bugs to a black light because even though they know they’re walking into a death trap, they know it’s going to be absolutely electrifying.
3. Into head games
Anyone who goes out of their way to say that they’re not into head games is probably into head games. So if you go out of your way to say that you are into head games, you’re probably not. Would a serial killer say he was into murder? Reverse psychology. Confuse people, draw them in, then hook them. Someone may ask, What kind of head games are you into? That’s a perfect time to fuck with that person’s head just to prove the point that you’re not really into head games. The more you fuck with people’s heads, the more they’ll realize you’re just fucking with them about being into head games. Either that, or you’ll get some real head cases trying to go out with you. Regardless, you’ll get laid.
4. I have a talking hot dog
I’m not exactly sure what this even means, but it’s going to get you attention, especially for the guys. I guarantee women are going to want to see your talking hot dog as soon as they hear you have one. In the end, your hot dog isn’t going to say jack shit. But it’s a pretty damn effective way of promoting your beef.
5. The only problem I have with gambling is that I can’t gamble enough
This statement lets everyone know that you’re a risk taker. You like living on the edge. So much so, you might have loan sharks hunting your ass down to break a leg or two. The point is, the phrase conveys the fact that you live an exciting lifestyle without having to say it. You want people to know you have vices, just nothing too detrimental. Well, unless those loan sharks catch up to you. But that’s the thrill of dating you. Danger. Excitement. Intrigue. Sure, maybe you’re in more debt than the average person, but you’re not boring. And it’s a much better vice than say, heroin for example. See how good you look now?
These are just a few examples of some effective phrases that will get you the attention you deserve in the world of online dating. Being bold doesn’t translate to being a douche. Telling people you’re “Cocky” or a “Bad boy” or “I’m amazing” just doesn’t get you anywhere in today’s online dating market. Be creative. Lead them to the conclusion you want them to arrive at, but don’t smother them with it.
Sexting Etiquette
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Erotica, Featured article, Latest, Mobile dating, PhoneShag, Seduction on February 16, 2010
The telephone was an incredible invention. But once we got over how revolutionary it was, we also realized what an
incredible annoyance it was. Because it forced us to communicate with friends and family whether we wanted to or not. Which is why text messaging has literally become our telecommunications savior.
We can ask or answer a question without being forced into an entire conversation. We can have quick, to-the-point conversations, and even multiple conversations with multiple people at once.
And now Phone sex also has its abbreviated and more convenient version delivered in the form of “sexting”.
“Sexting Etiquette” is sort of an oxymoron, but there are some do’s and don’ts to consider. Below is my list:
Do:
Sext drunk - People always say, don’t text drunk. But then TFLN would be lame. Besides, this is sexting. That’s like saying, don’t get drunk and have sex. That’s how we lose inhibitions and hook it up. We come up with our best material when we’re drunk off our asses.
Spell out dirty words – Spell out “cock” and “pussy”. It just doesn’t have the same effect abbreviated. Once I’ve 810 ur puC Im gonna 5FS d@ shit. No, not sexy and sometimes you spend more time trying to decipher the sext than actually getting off on it. And for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, lose the ” * ” in the dirty words. This isn’t Twitter. It’s your own private phone. If you type ” I want to f*ck you”, you might as well type, “I want to make love to you” which is something they say on The 700 Club. If you’re going to be dirty, be fucking dirty.
Be cautious – And consider what you have to lose if your sexting gets out. Remember Tiger? This shit has a way of making itself public. We don’t all have as much to lose as Tiger, but it’s still something to think about. I could tell you to wait until you trust the person, but you really can’t trust anyone. And sexting strangers is half the fun. Just be aware of what you’re doing and the risks associated with it. For example, ladies: no matter how much a man promises, your dirty pic will be sent to at least a half dozen dudes.
Don’t:
Sext Drunk – Yeah, I know I also put it on my “Do” list. It’s one of those things that can be both good and bad. For example, have you ever been drunk, started sexting one person and finished up sexting someone completely different? Hey, sometimes that works. Most times, the second person knows you fucked up. I’m just saying, the drunker you are, the more risk you run.
Be creepy – Make sure texting has mutually transitioned to sexting. Guys often fuck up this transition and jump the gun too early. If you tell her she’s cute and she likes it, that doesn’t mean she’s ready to hear how badly you want to throat fuck her. Even when you do successfully transition to dirty talk, that doesn’t mean she wants a cock pic. Sexting is sexy, but a cock pic can be a buzz kill for a lot of women. She’ll ask for one if she wants one.
Sext and drive – Even worse if you’re driving naked. Texting while driving is illegal in California; sexting is probably a felony. And it really sucks to crash your car with a boner or sopping wet panties.
Use retarted acronyms and smiley faces – You know, OMG or LOL. This is sex, not junior high. So if you have to use acronyms, use something dirty like SMG (Stick My Gash) or LML (Lick My Lollipop). And no smileys like : ) or ; ). If not a pic ladies, at least show us your tits with a (.)(.). If you’re not ready for a real cock pic, we’ll show you C==8 or 8==D~~
Sexting is great when you move past initial flirting because it helps solidify, for both of you, where this is all headed. I’ll tell you right now though, it’s not something you can sustain more than a couple of times without getting to the good stuff. Remember, sexting is just foreplay. Get to the main event soon after or you’ll lose the opportunity.
Wear Your Avatar Out, Have Sex in 3D
2D porn is good, but getting laid in 3D is the best. It just requires a lot more than a good grip and some lube.
First, if you want to increase opportunity, then stop going to the same places. Second, looking and acting like the locals will get you laid. It worked for Jake Sully, didn’t it?
Like in the movie Avatar, if you go to planet Polyphemus, you go out with your Na’vi body because he blends in with and relates to the natives–and let’s face it, he’s a lot stronger, more agile, and definitely much bigger than you are.
If you wear Ed Hardy to a sports bar, a lounge, and a blues club, at which place are you most likely to score…? The sports bar. And that’s only if it’s a Jersey Shore douchebag sports bar. No offense to Ed Hardy donners, but the brand is quickly becoming the new mullet. Just an FYI.
Certainly there’s something to be said for standing out in a crowd, but in this case, I’m talking about the odds. Increase your odds by blending with the natives, then let your game make you stand out.
Here are some different places to go and the avatars you should consider wearing if you go into one:
Martini Bar
Somewhat upscale so leave the t-shirt and crocs at home. They speak gibberish here. More blah blah blah than yada yada yada, but regardless, even though you can’t understand it, you can easily imitate it. If you’re a woman, order the martini with the most impressive name you can find on the menu and act all giddy when you do. Something like the WickedWahini or the Bust my Effen Cherry. If you’re a guy, stick with a dirty martini. Even though that Very Berri Sherri Martini looks fun and tasty, you’re there to get laid, not to show off your feminine side.
Irish Pub
Jeans, t-shirts, sports jerseys, and sneakers in an Irish pub. Men, do not put product in your hair. No underarm deodorant either. You want to look and smell like you just finished a game of rugby. Women, make sure you’re wearing jeans also. No legs in this place. Just tits. Got cleavage? Show it. If not, at least make sure your nipples are poking out. This is a place to drink beer and laugh very loudly at whatever anyone says.
Night Club
Guys: unlike the Irish Pub, this is the place to glob on the hair gel. The smell of your cologne should be competing with the smell of your aftershave, deodorant and residual facial moisturizer. Wear jeans or slacks, but make sure you’re wearing a long sleeve button-down shirt. Unbutton the first couple, let those gold chains breathe a little. Ladies, just dress like a prostitute and you’ll blend perfectly. Order mixed drinks, like vodka/cran or vodka/tonic. Don’t worry about the local language, it’s too hard to hear anything with the music blaring. Just nod a lot and respond with whatever you want because they can’t hear you either.
Wine Bar
I don’t think people go to these places to hook up. But if you’re a guy looking for a cougar or a woman looking for a sugar daddy, this might be the spot for you. Dress collegiate. It’s okay if you don’t know much about wine, people love to educate the novice. Bring an apple for teacher.
You get the idea. Explore new worlds. Learn the language, master the look and increase your opportunity to have the 3D experience everyone is raving about.
Go Ugly Early
This one is for the guys.
Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, there are no ugly people. There are just people you’re not attracted to. Everyone has their own taste. You know, like at work when you find out someone you think belongs in a circus act is actually married. Someone found that person attractive. Or your buddy likes them thick and you like them anorexic. It’s a matter of personal taste. 
So when do you compromise your standards?
You’re in a bar, you’re there to get laid, and there’s only one women in the whole place who meets your qualifications. Unfortunately, that woman meets everyone’s qualifications and she’s surrounded by a throng of men, none of whom will go home with her that night. And neither will you, because you can’t even breech the wall of sausage that surrounds her.
But you’re really horny and it’s a fuck or fight night, so what do you do?
Go ugly early.
You could just drink more, wait around and see if talent improves. Then at the end of the night when nothing has changed and you’re drunk, you could start some shit with some guy who accidentally bumped into you, get your face smashed in and go to jail. Or you could just call it a night, go home and whack it. Or… You could accept the inevitable from the get-go, compromise your standards and go for the homely girl at the bar who isn’t getting any attention from other guys.
Here, have another drink.
I mean, she has a nice ass. Glasses aren’t so bad, in a sexy librarian sort of way. She may just be the next best thing in the bar, and when time grows short at the end of the night, the failed sausage around the hot one might start congregating around her.
Go ugly early.
This is different than hooking it up with beer goggles. You already know what you’re getting into because you haven’t had that much to drink yet. But like beer googles, the more you drink and talk to her, the less you think you’re compromising your standards.
So once you do hook it up, make sure you have a good exit strategy. But don’t be a cliche. Like you’ve got to work early (on a Sunday, no less) or you’ve got to get home to feed your Shih Tzu. At least have the decency of telling her a creative lie. I mean, she did you a favor, right?
Try one of these instead:
- You’re a photographer and you have to catch some shots of pansies and johnny-jump-ups which bloom brightest early morning. This will be your last chance because Horticulture Quarterly goes to press on Monday.
- You’re jumping on a plane to fly to Nicaragua to help PETA build a damn for beavers who shouldn’t be expected to do all the work.
- You promised Spencer and Heidi you’d go to church with them to hear the special sermon on how to be a celebrity, but still love God more than your celebrity.
Sometimes you just have to go ugly early. Take a look around, evaluate your options and make a decision. Don’t put off the inevitable. Nothing worse than trying to go ugly late and failing.
New Year’s Resolutions: Fuck ‘em
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Featured article, Latest, PhoneShag on January 8, 2010
Who started this New Year’s resolution bullshit, anyway? First of all, I take pride in my vices. If I get rid of them, I become someone else, and I actually like who I am now. Granted, it’s not all about vices, but that tends to be a big part of it. Vices keep life interesting, which is why we want to hold onto them. But if you really want to throw a vice out, then just do it. Don’t write it down, don’t tell your friends and neighbors, just find some other vice to take it’s place. 
Here are a few of the top resolutions and why they’re so ridiculous:
1. Lose Weight
Come on, what’s the real resolution here? It’s to get laid. And to get laid more often you need to look good. So let’s call a spade a spade and focus on what really matters. Sex is a great incentive for anything. You want more? Get off your ass and get to the gym. I wouldn’t wait until the new year to come to this realization.
2. Quit Smoking
What the hell am I going to do while I drink? Chew gum? Get real. Nobody lives forever.
3. Quit Drinking
Are you fucking crazy? What am I going to do, ask women to have a cup of coffee with me? No chance. We’re getting drunk and we’re gonna make some very bad mutual decisions. And what the hell am I going to do while I smoke?
4. Get Out of Debt
I’ve got bills to pay and a drinking and smoking habit to support. Debt allows me to live beyond my means. Remember, nobody lives forever and you can’t take it with you. So why the concern?
5. Get a New Hobby
Like what? Bird watching? Bowling? My vices are my hobbies. Hmmm. Maybe I should get a new vice…
6. Volunteer to Help Others
Uh, as in charity? The only charity I’m interested in is the Charity who strips at Spearmint Rhino every weekend. Okay, so I have helped people from time to time, but it’s usually because I got roped into it somehow, not because I felt a burning desire to help. If you feel that burning desire, then by all means, help Angelina out. I’m sure she could use the help now that Brad opted out.
7. Get More Organized
If you weren’t born anal retentive, you’ll never be. Don’t fight it. I enjoy being a slob.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
The bottom line is, do what makes you feel good. Don’t fall into the New Year’s Resolution trap, or you’ll just make unrealistic resolutions that you’ll break in 2 months anyway. If you must, then make resolutions you can keep. And resolutions that won’t have an adverse impact if you don’t. For example, if I were forced to make resolutions, this would be my list:
1. Get More Blowjobs
If you’re a man, that should inherently be a goal of yours anyway. And how do you define “more”? I’m already getting blowjobs, so now I’m just trying to maximize the number. You really can’t lose.
2. Nail a Religious Fanatic
You know, someone like Heidi Montag. If I don’t nail a religious fanatic, no real loss. If I do, it would be funny as fuck.
3. Eat More Burgers at The Counter
No, I don’t want to get fat, but that shit is good. And it would make PETA feel better that less burger is going to waste.
4. Vegas, “The Hangover” Style
Drink until I black out. Then whatever happens, happens. If I wake up with a hangover in jail, I can always volunteer for stun gun demonstrations and walk scot-free. And actually, I don’t even need to go to Vegas to achieve this one. Even easier.
You get the idea. Well, I’m going to go work on my New Year’s Resolutions now. Wish me luck. And good luck with yours…
6 Things that Make a Woman Great in Bed
Let’s be honest. When it comes to sex, men do most of the heavy lifting. I’m not talking about foreplay or seduction. I’m talking about actual intercourse. We have the tool of the trade to make or break the experience for both people. Sex can still be good if the woman just lies there. Because men are visual, seeing your tits bounce around while we pound you or flipping you over, grabbing your ass and giving you the old jackhammer keeps us dirty horny throughout the act and makes it all good. But if a guy just lies there, it ain’t gonna be good for
anyone.
So if sex can still be good if the woman just lets it happen to her, what actually makes a woman great in bed?
1. Taking the drivers seat
While the guy is the pilot, we appreciate a good co-pilot taking the controls once in a while. Women typically take the drivers seat by jumping on top and giving the stick a good grind. But don’t forget to mix it up. Give us some reverse cowgirl too and show us that ass. Think visual. If you’re flexible, throw your legs over our shoulders when you’re on your back or spread those thighs wide. The more we see, the more we like. Seduce us while we fuck you.
2. Fucking like a stripper dances
Let me give you a tip about pole dancing. Don’t take a pole dancing class so that you can dance for your man. Does it turn us on? Yes, when a stripper does it. Because we can’t fuck the stripper. But we can fuck you. So instead of dancing, incorporate what you learn about the way a stripper moves on stage in the sack. Go to a strip club and watch how the strippers give a lap dance. That’s how we want you to fuck us. So when you take the drivers seat, let’s see those stripper moves–like a slow wavy grind and your ass slithering like a snake.
3. Fucking like a porn star acts
I’m not talking ass to mouth or other crazy porn star sexual stunts; I’m talking about the porn star attitude. One of the reasons men love watching porn is because the porn stars seem to love everything sexual. They’ve got no sexual hang-ups or restrictions. They’re not sucking that dick as a duty because their boyfriend likes it; they’re sucking that dick because it makes them dripping wet. And it’s not gross to swallow cum. When they swallow, it’s like swallowing sugary sweet caramel topping. In fact, that dick didn’t give them enough; they always seem to want more.
Yes, it’s acting. So act, goddamn it. You’re not into facials? Get into it. There’s a reason almost every porn scene ends with one; it turns guys on. Fuck what your grandmother told you about facials; there’s nothing degrading about something sexual–and a facial is fucking sexual. And don’t worry, you’ll get yours when you take the drivers seat and use our face like a old dishrag for your pussy. Would I feel degraded? Nope. I’d just be even more turned on.
4. Being vocal
Guys are visual, but we’re also into sex sounds. It’s not like you have to talk dirty the whole time, but a “Give it to me hard!” or a “Fuck me!” would be nice once in a while. An even better score would be a “Fuck me daddy!” or an “Ay Papi!” now and again. Just sayin’.
It doesn’t even have to be words. Sounds are a good indication that we’re doing our job. Don’t fake it, just express yourself. If it feels good, don’t keep it to yourself. We like to know when we’re turning you on, even those little moments that feel really good. Grunt, groan, or whatever sound you can make to pass along the good news.
5. Being physical
Grab, scratch and bite. I’m not talking about leaving marks. Not everyone is into the associated pain. I’m talking about putting your hands and mouth all over the guy while he’s doing that heavy lifting. Use your teeth and nails, but don’t break skin. Again, it’s all about letting us know we’re doing our job–and even if we’re slacking off, this might be just the thing to motivate us to perform better. The more we think you enjoy it, the more we want to please.
6. Not being self-conscious
If you’ve put on a few extra pounds or have a zit in the middle of your forehead, don’t be self-conscious about it during sex. Believe it or not, the less self-conscious you are about your imperfections during sex, the less we notice them and the more turned on we are. The last thing we want to worry about doing during sex is to be reassuring. We want to fuck. So fuck us back and forget about the rest. Confidence in bed brings big points. After sex you can ask if your ass looks big in those jeans. We still don’t want to be reassuring, but at least it won’t impact your sex score.
So if you women want to score more points in bed and aren’t doing it already, incorporate these 6 suggestions and I’ll bet you move from “good” to “great” in the sack in no time.
Essential Supplies for Car Sex
In adult dating, when two people really connect over drinks or dinner, sometimes things move faster than expected. In fact, so fast, there isn’t really time to get back to your place to fully fan the flames of the sexual fire that just got ignited.
Typically people can at least make it back to the car though, and that’s where it all goes down. As unlikely as you may think this is because you’re not like that or that never happens to me, there’s no harm in being prepared.
So here’s a list of must-haves for men and women in the event that car sex suddenly becomes a viable option:
Men
Condoms. Not that you’ll use them even if you do have sex, but intent goes a long way. Keep them in your pocket, not in the glove compartment. Sometimes car sex occurs on top of the hood of the car or the rear bumper, and you don’t want to have to ruin the moment by putting it all on pause while you fumble for keys, unlock the car and dig through it looking for protection.
A clean pair of boxers or boxer briefs. If she gets your pants unzipped in the car, don’t make her break through the patented double fly construction of your whitey tighties; make sure you’re wearing boxers or boxer briefs with either an open fly or a button down fly—unbuttoned and ready for easy access. Last thing you need is a struggle to get to the goods, especially if any delay might cause a change of heart.
Listerine strips or something similar. You need to constantly recharge that breath. Not with gum or you’ll look like a Jersey tool. No offense to Jersey, but spit the fucking gum out. And sucking on mints makes you look and talk like a retard. You need good breath or she might get turned off—but you don’t want shit in your mouth because you’re going to be using it for other, more important activities.
Phone numbers. Make sure you memorize a couple of your friend’s phone numbers. Because when you get hauled off to jail for lewd and lascivious behavior in public, they take everything, including your phone which has all your contacts. You need a number to call, so keep some in your head.
Oh, and clean your fucking car.
Women
Condoms. Don’t count on the guy being prepared. In fact, count on him not being prepared and keep a few in your purse. Also, strap it onto his dick yourself; make sure it’s secure and snug. You want something done right—do it yourself.
Pony tail holder. You may need something to hold your hair back if you decide to go down on him in the car. Granted, you may want to hide the indecent public display of affection, but anyone who sees a bobbing head of hair in a guy’s lap gets the picture immediately anyway. If you’re constantly spitting out strands of your own hair while you’re trying to impress the guy, you’ll just look bush league.
Hand lotion. Your “Show of Good Faith” may not include a blow job just yet for this guy. So a hand job might be in order instead. If so, helps to have a small bottle of lotion in your purse just to make things go smoother.
Wipes. Keep some wipes in your purse for cleaning up the aftermath. Sex is messy, but car sex is really messy. And when you’re on top, dismounting after the finale is a sticky operation.
Not all dates move this quickly, but if one does, you don’t want to get caught with your pants down and not have all the essential car sex supplies to make it the best possible experience.
Sheep and Goats
Call me sacrilegious, but I like to compare dating and shagging, online or otherwise, to a passage in the Bible:
“And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats.” (Matt. 25:32)
JC makes a very applicable point here: don’t waste time with the fucking goats, because they’re never gonna come around.
A sheep follows; a goat makes you chase it around—basically strings you along.
Sheep
Sheep start talking to you, flirting, there’s an immediate connection. You go out, things go well over a couple of drinks, you touch, fondle, take it to the parking lot. Even if the sheep doesn’t want to give it up that night, you get a show of good faith.
Best case show of good faith for a guy would be getting a blowjob. Nothing says “I’m interested” like a good old-fashioned dick sucking. For a woman, as long as the guy is trying to get head, she’s got her show of good faith. What she does with it determines her classification. The point is, do something sexual, no matter how minor it is, because it tells the other person where you intend to take this.
Nobody is in it for the “friendship” alone.
Goats
Similar to the sheep, goats start talking to you, flirting, there’s an immediate connection. You go out, things go well over a couple of drinks, you touch—but then there’s the dreaded pull back and “We should wait” or “Let’s not ruin it.”
Although women typically use these lines, a guy can too. He, of course, ceases to be a man if he does, so make sure you note that as a big red flag, not a sign of sensitivity or good intentions.
So you’ve made the mental connection, you’re attracted to this person and they’re putting you on hold. For how long? You don’t know. But you want to tap that ass so you put up with it thinking it’s going to happen. But without a show of good faith, I’m telling you brothers and sisters, you are wasting your time.
The key to this whole thing is to divide the sheep from the goats as early as possible in the dating process.
Before even getting to the face-to-face and show of good faith, there are some early red/green light indicators. For example:
EXs
Tells you he/she used to go out with an asshole/bitch, has you answer questions to insure you’re not like them… This person is looking for something better this time around. They don’t want to get burned again so they’re going to take it slower this time. Fail (Goat)
Still friends with ex; maybe still occasionally accommodates a booty call. Pass (Sheep)
Control
Tests you with mundane requests (send me a poem, etc.). Trying to see how stupid you are. Fail (Goat)
Tests you with sexual requests (send me photos of you naked, etc.). Trying to get an early show of good faith. Pass (Sheep)
Getting together
Dying to get together, but keeps putting you off. You may be on his/her short list, but there is a list and this person is still narrowing it down. Fail (Goat)
Dying to get together and sets a date. Whether you’re on a list or not, this person wants to touch in order to narrow it down. Pass (Sheep)
You get the picture. Now take the advice. Yes, there are some very attractive goats. But a goat is still a goat. And while you’re wasting your time being strung along by one of these hot-ass goats, you could be hooking it up with several hot-ass sheep.
Holiday Sex
The holiday season is a great time of year because your odds of getting laid are much higher. Here’s why: There are a ton of single people out there who so desperately wish they had someone special in their life during this festive, emotional season that they’ll fuck just about anything in order to feel some semblance of relationship.
You could be that anything.
Where will you find these lonely singles? Start online, because the Internet will become a veritable holiday fuck-fest goldmine. As desperation mounts, so will the use of social media. And online dating sites will specifically target these very same people with a shitload of ads like, “Feeling like a pathetic loser because you’ve got no one to share turkey and bodily fluids with? Click here”.
During the holiday season, the wooing cycle time decreases and standards are lowered because time is of the essence.
Once you make an initial connection, quickly find out what they’re doing for the holidays. If they have lots of plans with family and friends, abort immediately and move on. Remember, you’re targeting lonely singles who don’t have much planned.
Other opportunities:
Old numbers
Dig through your phone list and get a hold of an old booty call. Everyone gets nostalgic around the holidays. So even if they’re not that lonely, they might bump uglies with you for old times sake. I once found a number I had never called which I had gotten at a party months before. I called the woman, and even though I had ignored her for months, we got together right before Christmas and hooked it up. Easy as holiday pie.
Bars
Go anywhere alcohol is being served. Right before any given holiday—even on the holiday in some cases. Depending on the holiday, places may close early or not be open at all. But if it’s business as usual for the bar, then it’s good business for you. The day before Thanksgiving, Christmas eve eve, and of course, where would we be without New Years Eve? People are vulnerable and ready to go.
Church
Whether you go to church on a regular basis or not, there are special holiday services that bring out the talent. Church flirting is the best because you have instant credibility as a safe, religious person. Makes it very easy to fornicate.
The Office
At your place of employment, you can feel people out months in advance. You can even plan a special holiday Happy Hour and invite as many lonely hearts as possible. A company sponsored holiday party is perhaps the single best opportunity to hook it up with someone from work. Most large companies splurge only for the employee, not “+1”. So even non-singles will get drunk and hook it up.
The Mall
Department stores are not the best place to hook up, but during the holidays there are more people, and therefore more choices and more opportunity. You have to shop for presents anyway, so you might as well shop for flesh at the same time.
The holiday season is upon us. Take advantage. Be thankful society promotes the fuck out of it. Now see if you can get a fuck out of it. Follow these tips and go consume.
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